PARALYZED
The stage was set before I ever set foot in the kitchen.
It's a Saturday morning.
No one else is home.
My oldest son is gone on a trip with friends.
I overslept, being exhausted from a long week.
It was a great reason to be so tired, don't get me wrong.
Along with the usual daily confines of SAD, GAD, ADD, MDD, "fibro-fog", sore joints,
and a torn shoulder muscle for the last two weeks - from, get this...reaching behind the couch.
(That's not the good reasons)
Earlier in the week, we had spent an extremely late night
into the wee hours of the morning
playing games with our three adult children.
They all were here for our oldest son's birthday.
The very first time we have enjoyed being together, at our house,
in three and a half years since the death of our son, Nathanael.
One small step closer to moving forward on the road of healing.
The darkness has been creeping in all week.
The letdown after a high.
I just didn't realize it.
I stumble to the kitchen.
Literally, since I don't have shoes on yet,
I have that "sea-sick pirate on the high seas" rolling gait.
The light is on, because apparently it is dark outside, and snowing.
The radio is playing.
I assume they left it on, to keep me from having a quiet house.
But then I hear a couple songs that I know were Nathanael's favorites.
I realize it is on Spotify and take a look at the playlist.
It is a list of music that my oldest son found on Nathanael's computer.
Looking around with bleary eyes, I see the sink full of dishes
that I have neglected to wash before bedtime.
That used to be Nathanael's job.
Usually the first thing I do on waking, is go to the bathroom.
But it's dark outside.
So I start lighting candles.
"It's a Saturday", I remind myself.
Nathanael's candle needs light today.
Usually, I am thirsty, and down 3-4 glasses of water on waking.
The coffeepot has a little left from their breakfast,
so I guzzle that instead.
Sigh.
I brush against my son's chair, still holding his jacket proudly.
Caressing the sleeves, to smooth the edges, as the ritual goes when I feel the need.
My mind registers that no one is here and it's a Saturday morning.
Sigh.
I hear the radio playing a song I had never heard before from his list.
I stop to listen to the words.
Why does it make so much sense now?
Everything is so much clearer now that I see I am just like my son.
I never understood that I am more broken than I previously believed.
The lies spoke so much clearer than the truth - that is all I ever knew.
I don't have any more answers, just knowledge of how things work,
when your brain can not work like it should.
I don't have cancer.
I am not going to die from faulty firing neurons.
But my situation needs attention, help, and medication to keep the lies at bay.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed.
Thoughts flood my mind.
Nathanael wasn't here for his brother's birthday.
He can't go on any spur-of-the-moment trips with friends.
The dining room is filled with echoes of his footprints.
I haven't had the heart to take down his Christmas tree yet.
I need more bicycle tires to make memorial bracelets.
He won't come bounding down the steps, with that two-step gallop.
He won't be bringing his family over for holidays, he never had the chance to get married.
(That one came from putting away wedding souvenirs from the last place we ever went)
I am sure there were many more sentiments barreling down that trainwreck,
but all I knew was...
SORROW.
PAIN.
HEAVINESS.
DESPAIR.
Deep, wracking tears flooded the incomprehensible sense of reason.
Wandering around, trying to remember what I need to do next,
I listened to the songs that kept nudging the secret places of grief.
Song after song, it all felt so real.
Mother and son.
A connection that will never be severed.
No wonder I couldn't answer some of his questions.
The deep bond we share has so many facets, I will not be able to fathom each one
until we see each other face to face once more.
Until there are perfect bodies, that never fail us.........
The train has slipped off the track.
How are we going to escape this one?
I know the Truth.
The Truth has set me free.
But I am still a prisoner of my earthly broken mind, even with all the skills,
prayers, medications, friends and family, and any other possible reason
that others would not comprehend.
NO rationale will keep the train from crashing at this point.
Nothing but the Hand of God can stop it.
I pause...
The radio is still playing.
I realize I am paralyzed.
This time that is a good thing.
I need to write this one down, I think.
I have listened intently to every song.
I have even looked up the lyrics to those I didn't know.
By the time I get the computer warmed up and ready to go,
another song begins to play.
"I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like
I'm frozen in time"
That's a song by Three Days Grace.
Another one of his songs I know.
It breaks me out of the stupor for the last hour or so.
I have the first conscious, controlled thought envelope me with peace.
I need to stop listening to his playlist.
Then, an argument ensues with myself.
I can almost feel the uneven weight on both shoulders, the dark and the light.
The next thing I remember is being freed from the chains that tried to derail me.
I am here writing to you, because I do not want anyone to go down fighting,
or giving in to the darkness.
The light of the world is Jesus.
I am only a reflection of that light, carrying the light that my son left for me.
I am Nathanael's Legacy and I will do everything I can to honor his memory.
I refuse to remain paralyzed.
May God give YOU the peace that passes all understanding.
Honest lessons from my journey
written by: Sue Leerhoff
Brick by Brick
It's a Saturday morning.
No one else is home.
My oldest son is gone on a trip with friends.
I overslept, being exhausted from a long week.
It was a great reason to be so tired, don't get me wrong.
Along with the usual daily confines of SAD, GAD, ADD, MDD, "fibro-fog", sore joints,
and a torn shoulder muscle for the last two weeks - from, get this...reaching behind the couch.
(That's not the good reasons)
Earlier in the week, we had spent an extremely late night
into the wee hours of the morning
playing games with our three adult children.
They all were here for our oldest son's birthday.
The very first time we have enjoyed being together, at our house,
in three and a half years since the death of our son, Nathanael.
One small step closer to moving forward on the road of healing.
The darkness has been creeping in all week.
The letdown after a high.
I just didn't realize it.
I stumble to the kitchen.
Literally, since I don't have shoes on yet,
I have that "sea-sick pirate on the high seas" rolling gait.
The light is on, because apparently it is dark outside, and snowing.
The radio is playing.
I assume they left it on, to keep me from having a quiet house.
But then I hear a couple songs that I know were Nathanael's favorites.
I realize it is on Spotify and take a look at the playlist.
It is a list of music that my oldest son found on Nathanael's computer.
Looking around with bleary eyes, I see the sink full of dishes
that I have neglected to wash before bedtime.
That used to be Nathanael's job.
Usually the first thing I do on waking, is go to the bathroom.
But it's dark outside.
So I start lighting candles.
"It's a Saturday", I remind myself.
Nathanael's candle needs light today.
Usually, I am thirsty, and down 3-4 glasses of water on waking.
The coffeepot has a little left from their breakfast,
so I guzzle that instead.
Sigh.
I brush against my son's chair, still holding his jacket proudly.
Caressing the sleeves, to smooth the edges, as the ritual goes when I feel the need.
My mind registers that no one is here and it's a Saturday morning.
Sigh.
I hear the radio playing a song I had never heard before from his list.
I stop to listen to the words.
Why does it make so much sense now?
Everything is so much clearer now that I see I am just like my son.
I never understood that I am more broken than I previously believed.
The lies spoke so much clearer than the truth - that is all I ever knew.
I don't have any more answers, just knowledge of how things work,
when your brain can not work like it should.
I don't have cancer.
I am not going to die from faulty firing neurons.
But my situation needs attention, help, and medication to keep the lies at bay.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed.
Thoughts flood my mind.
Nathanael wasn't here for his brother's birthday.
He can't go on any spur-of-the-moment trips with friends.
The dining room is filled with echoes of his footprints.
I haven't had the heart to take down his Christmas tree yet.
I need more bicycle tires to make memorial bracelets.
He won't come bounding down the steps, with that two-step gallop.
He won't be bringing his family over for holidays, he never had the chance to get married.
(That one came from putting away wedding souvenirs from the last place we ever went)
I am sure there were many more sentiments barreling down that trainwreck,
but all I knew was...
SORROW.
PAIN.
HEAVINESS.
DESPAIR.
Deep, wracking tears flooded the incomprehensible sense of reason.
Wandering around, trying to remember what I need to do next,
I listened to the songs that kept nudging the secret places of grief.
Song after song, it all felt so real.
Mother and son.
A connection that will never be severed.
No wonder I couldn't answer some of his questions.
The deep bond we share has so many facets, I will not be able to fathom each one
until we see each other face to face once more.
Until there are perfect bodies, that never fail us.........
The train has slipped off the track.
How are we going to escape this one?
I know the Truth.
The Truth has set me free.
But I am still a prisoner of my earthly broken mind, even with all the skills,
prayers, medications, friends and family, and any other possible reason
that others would not comprehend.
NO rationale will keep the train from crashing at this point.
Nothing but the Hand of God can stop it.
I pause...
The radio is still playing.
I realize I am paralyzed.
This time that is a good thing.
I need to write this one down, I think.
I have listened intently to every song.
I have even looked up the lyrics to those I didn't know.
By the time I get the computer warmed up and ready to go,
another song begins to play.
"I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like
I'm frozen in time"
That's a song by Three Days Grace.
Another one of his songs I know.
It breaks me out of the stupor for the last hour or so.
I have the first conscious, controlled thought envelope me with peace.
I need to stop listening to his playlist.
Then, an argument ensues with myself.
I can almost feel the uneven weight on both shoulders, the dark and the light.
The next thing I remember is being freed from the chains that tried to derail me.
I am here writing to you, because I do not want anyone to go down fighting,
or giving in to the darkness.
The light of the world is Jesus.
I am only a reflection of that light, carrying the light that my son left for me.
I am Nathanael's Legacy and I will do everything I can to honor his memory.
I refuse to remain paralyzed.
May God give YOU the peace that passes all understanding.
Honest lessons from my journey
written by: Sue Leerhoff
Brick by Brick
Comments
Post a Comment