When The Dance Changes...




When I was a very small, I saw my first ballet on television.

I was entranced by the delightful music, graceful swaying,
and delicate flying, it seemed.
That must have been why I thought fairies were real.

I was in awe of the beauty and surrealness of the scenery.
I hoped silently that I could be able to dance like that someday.

I was so excited when I saw my first pair of real ballet slippers.
I fingered the lacy fringe of the pink tutu and dreamed it was mine.






But my hopes were soon dashed.
I should have known better to ask.

My piano teacher's daughter was a ballet dancer and a tap dancer.
I was already at her house, playing piano.
I could have learned a few more things while I was there.

But that is not the way we did things at our house.
I should be ashamed to think of asking to wear such things and parade around half naked in front of people. We do not dance at our house. End of story.



You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it.
I loved The Nutcracker and the Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy; the music and the renditions that different places would make of the story. I would listen to it every year if I could.

Long story short, I am not a good dancer. In fact, not a dancer.
Not that I have anything against it, but I am pretty klutsy if you must know.
You won't find me on any stage!
But according to my chiropractor, maybe I should have been able to pirouette?
He told me that the reason I couldn't walk a straight line, was because my short leg was pulling me in a circle! Oh, brother.

No worries, I won't be sharing any videos here!

The dance I am talking about today comes from my counseling sessions.

When there are difficult people in your life that you really can't ignore, your routine gets in a rut.
They come to expect the exact same behavior and reactions from you.
And that leads to another fight, or another pile of stress added to your overloaded mind, or even worse, depending on how caustic and toxic they are.

Something has to change in order for things to be different.
"Insanity" is described as doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.

It is time to change the dance.

When a dance routine is choreographed, all of the team knows the steps to the dance.

If one of the dancers forget their part in the show, it may confuse the other dancers.
But if someone chose to change their part in the dance and went about doing their own thing, the other dancers would be at a loss as what to do next.
Eventually, if the group is in tune to what the other dancer is doing, they may join in the new dance and make a new step.
Or it could end in everyone else just getting mad at them. 

The point being, I must change my behavior to escape the insanity dance.
Nothing will change unless I choose to change my part in the dance. 

It is not my responsibility to take care of their reactions to the new dance.
It couldn't get worse, the dance in their lifetime has already been a downward spiral of hurts, disappointment and betrayal.
I am taking care of me and my family core. If the rest of them can't learn the new dance, they are free to bow out.

I am not usually so harsh, but maybe that's the problem.
I am angry. And actually that's a good thing.
Anger, like fever, isn't the real problem. It just tells us we need to look for a cause and fix it.
I am still learning things that never made sense before.
Believe me, we have tried to fix things, but all we got was more insanity.

So, I am changing my dance. Learning how to choreograph my own steps in the whole dance.

If anyone reading this has issues with family or others close to you, I recommend looking for what needs to change to be able to dance like no one is watching!!


Today I have included a few notes and resources to read about change, difficult people, and healing from the grief it causes.

                                                                                                                                                          

A very helpful book, which I seem to have borrowed to someone, and never got returned...

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life - By: Henry Cloud and John Townsend

                                                                                                          


taken from the Pschycology Today blog written by:

Harriet Lerner Ph.D.


What happens when you do something different that threatens the status quo in an important relationship? The other person will make a "countermove" or "Change back!" maneuver to try to re-instate the old pattern and the old you.
As I explain in The Dance of Anger, the process of change goes like this: One person begins to define a stronger, more independent self, or does something that violates the roles and rules of the system. Anxiety rises like steam. The opposition invariably goes like this:
1. "You are wrong," with volumes of evidence to support this.
2. "Change back and we will accept you again."
3. "If you don't change back, these are the consequences," which are then listed.


Two Steps on the Road to Healing Suffering and Regret

Of course, we don’t just get over grief and regret in several easy steps. Healing is a long-term project. We don't move on from a significant loss or searing emotional injury by going to a writing workshop or learning to have a brighter attitude and a set of new skills.
But we do need to start somewhere, and this includes a new action. One step forward will lead to another step forward, and ultimately toward a more expansive and empowering view of our possibilities.
                                                       - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.


Harriet Lerner Ph.D.

The Hidden Cause of Your Brain Fog

When you can identify anxiety as impeding your thinking, you can work on managing it better. It’s obviously hard to feel good about yourself when anxiety disrupts your memory and concentration, leaving you unable to read, write, study, analyze, or take in new information.
But when anxiety operates underground—when it's the soup you're swimming around in—it's easy to confuse the signs and symptoms of anxiety with your essential YOU. 

                                                                                                                                                          

Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP

4 Ways to Deal With Manipulative People

Overall, in coping with manipulation, it’s best to follow four basic principles:
1) know your rights and your limits
2) set clear, appropriate boundaries in a respectful and neutral way
3) recognize and avoid the other person’s efforts to escalate the conflict or muddy the issue
4) and always make sure to protect your own safety.

                                                                                                                                                        

References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201012/coping-countermoves

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201806/the-hidden-cause-your-brain-fog

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201807/two-steps-the-road-healing-suffering-and-regret

Link to purchase Harriet Lerner's book "The Dance Of Anger"
https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292904469&sr=8-1#reader_006074104X

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201807/4-ways-deal-manipulative-people


Learning from the stories of my journey by: Sue Leerhoff 
Brick by Brick

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Where Do We Go From Here?

Peter Pan