I Am That Kid
I was a difficult child.
I usually talked out of turn, and constantly told jokes because I was reading so many joke books every day.
That was before the second grade. Then I got glasses.
I became the shy kid. Unsure of myself, I didn't like the new me.
It was hard to adjust and the ramifications lasted a very long time.
If the teacher ever called on me, I would immediately forget everything I ever knew.
Soon I learned to become invisible, hoping to be looked over and avoid talking out loud.
I didn't seem to have control of what came out of my mouth.
It scared me. I hated me.
Now I am like that child once again.
I thought I knew the answers, but then the Teacher called on me.
I wasn't prepared to lose our son, not ever, but certainly not after all that we had been through.
I thought I had prepared myself for battles, for tough assignments.
I thought we had been through so much already, we were invincible.
I thought we were on the better road by now, we made it through so many detours and construction zones that surely the traveling would be smoother.
But those were just test runs for the road we are on now.
And it scares me. I hate the new me.
No one ever hopes to raise their children, just on the edge of starting their own way of life,
then losing it all in one terrible moment.
I don't understand why. I will never know why. I am not sure of anything.
But no matter how hard I try to figure it out, nothing will change.
Nathanael is still gone.
I can't see him anymore, or laugh at his jokes anymore,
or smile at his sweaty muscles anymore, or hug him when he hurts anymore, and it hurts.
Oh my God, how it hurts, and yet He knows.
But then, the Teacher comes to my side and reminds me, it will be ok.
Nathanael is safe now. He is ok.
There are no more tests, no more burdens to figure out how to make lighter,
no more searching for answers, no more demons to keep at bay.
But I am still that child.
I still forget everything I ever knew.
I even run kicking and screaming out the door, when the test is much too hard.
I have my own demons to keep at bay.
I don't seem to have control over what comes out of my mind.
I need to remember the answers that I knew before I was called on.
I need to remember the Teacher is waiting at His desk, if I have any questions.
He will even spend extra time with me after class, if I make an appointment.
Excuse me, while I make a few appointments.
Stories from the journey of my life
by: Sue Leerhoff
Brick by Brick
I usually talked out of turn, and constantly told jokes because I was reading so many joke books every day.
That was before the second grade. Then I got glasses.
I became the shy kid. Unsure of myself, I didn't like the new me.
It was hard to adjust and the ramifications lasted a very long time.
If the teacher ever called on me, I would immediately forget everything I ever knew.
Soon I learned to become invisible, hoping to be looked over and avoid talking out loud.
I didn't seem to have control of what came out of my mouth.
It scared me. I hated me.
Now I am like that child once again.
I thought I knew the answers, but then the Teacher called on me.
I wasn't prepared to lose our son, not ever, but certainly not after all that we had been through.
I thought I had prepared myself for battles, for tough assignments.
I thought we had been through so much already, we were invincible.
I thought we were on the better road by now, we made it through so many detours and construction zones that surely the traveling would be smoother.
But those were just test runs for the road we are on now.
And it scares me. I hate the new me.
No one ever hopes to raise their children, just on the edge of starting their own way of life,
then losing it all in one terrible moment.
I don't understand why. I will never know why. I am not sure of anything.
But no matter how hard I try to figure it out, nothing will change.
Nathanael is still gone.
I can't see him anymore, or laugh at his jokes anymore,
or smile at his sweaty muscles anymore, or hug him when he hurts anymore, and it hurts.
Oh my God, how it hurts, and yet He knows.
But then, the Teacher comes to my side and reminds me, it will be ok.
Nathanael is safe now. He is ok.
There are no more tests, no more burdens to figure out how to make lighter,
no more searching for answers, no more demons to keep at bay.
But I am still that child.
I still forget everything I ever knew.
I even run kicking and screaming out the door, when the test is much too hard.
I have my own demons to keep at bay.
I don't seem to have control over what comes out of my mind.
I need to remember the answers that I knew before I was called on.
I need to remember the Teacher is waiting at His desk, if I have any questions.
He will even spend extra time with me after class, if I make an appointment.
Excuse me, while I make a few appointments.
Stories from the journey of my life
by: Sue Leerhoff
Brick by Brick
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