Coming Back From All The Way to Broken
June 2018:
I wrote this last year and somehow just couldn't post it.
The eerie thing is that I wrote it last year at the same date.
I don't want to know what will happen in the future.
No one could handle that kind of knowledge.
Time and time again. And again. And again and again....
All I need to know is this very moment I am in the hand of God.
Even when nothing makes sense, I must trust in the provision of those around me,
learn to quiet the voices that accuse, and wait for the next moment bravely,
while fighting furiously for all that I hold dear.
June 2017:
One of the few things that has gotten me this far is music. It heals the places nothing else can reach.
I loved music before, and now it's what holds me together. I tried learning guitar, from my youngest son. But my hands are too stiff and small and awkward, and, well, I have not gotten very far with that!
So, I have picked up playing piano again. Not that I am good at it, but, still, it is soothing to be back in a familiar spot. It brings back sweet memories, of early childhood, when the world was exciting and new, and nothing could ever go wrong. Now my goal is to learn how to play a few of the songs my son Nathanael used to listen to. So many songs, so little time.....
As this is a small window into the life of me and my family - I will be posting random things from different places. Here is a song that was beautiful before, but now it speaks when I can not even breathe.
"Honest"
P.S. -Updating this today in 2018,
I am once again healing from the brokenness of this world.
Thank God for doctors who can point us in the right direction and repair the mind as well as body.
The human body can only take so much stress before it breaks down.
I may not be free to tell other family stories, but I can share mine.
I was brought to the ER after dealing with yet another family tragedy, and trauma has a way of triggering the sleeping dragon inside.
No one even knew how long the dragon of despair has been stalking me,
and still I escaped his grip every time.
When they realized I have lived with the silent pain of anxiety,
headaches, depression, and suicide attempts from childhood,
it becomes a little more clear as to how I ended up being monitored by doctors for days,
and shared the pain of fellow troubled residents in the unit,
to begin the much needed path of healing the brokenness within.
It has been a lifelong road of pain and confusion, yet I have much to be thankful for.
There is no shame in the road I am on, only progress.
To begin to identify the pain and recognize the need is just a part of the healing process.
To finally let others into the silent burdens I have carried for so long, is to be able to share the load and live free.
Without the hand of God, and the love and understanding of family, I would not be here today.
The strength I have, only comes from above. For the countless times I tried to choose a darker route, there was always a deeper path embedded in light which has protected me this far.
The God who watches over me, for reasons unknown has seen fit to rescue me from myself once more.
As I am home again, among the love of family and safety of ongoing care, I will begin to heal perhaps more than I ever have in the past. I refuse to let the darkness win this battle that rages inside.
I will fight back with more reasons than ever before.
Coming back from all the way to broken is never easy and we can't do this alone.
I am barely breathing, but I am breathing.
I am wounded, but I am healing.
The path ahead is unknown, but I don't want to know.
I must learn to take care of myself, so that I can take care of those I love.
Yet, I can't do everything to keep them safe. That's not my job.
I just need to love them.
And BREATHE.
↝ Stories from the journey of my life ↜ written by: Sue Leerhoff ↝ follow me on my Facebook page ↜ - Brick by Brick
I wrote this last year and somehow just couldn't post it.
The eerie thing is that I wrote it last year at the same date.
I don't want to know what will happen in the future.
No one could handle that kind of knowledge.
Time and time again. And again. And again and again....
All I need to know is this very moment I am in the hand of God.
Even when nothing makes sense, I must trust in the provision of those around me,
learn to quiet the voices that accuse, and wait for the next moment bravely,
while fighting furiously for all that I hold dear.
June 2017:
One of the few things that has gotten me this far is music. It heals the places nothing else can reach.
I loved music before, and now it's what holds me together. I tried learning guitar, from my youngest son. But my hands are too stiff and small and awkward, and, well, I have not gotten very far with that!
So, I have picked up playing piano again. Not that I am good at it, but, still, it is soothing to be back in a familiar spot. It brings back sweet memories, of early childhood, when the world was exciting and new, and nothing could ever go wrong. Now my goal is to learn how to play a few of the songs my son Nathanael used to listen to. So many songs, so little time.....
As this is a small window into the life of me and my family - I will be posting random things from different places. Here is a song that was beautiful before, but now it speaks when I can not even breathe.
Thousand Foot Krutch Lyrics
They say heaven is a place
Where our pain is washed away
With no room for all the torment
Of choices that we've made
I'm a broken man saved by grace
Tossed alone inside this maze
And I am just a question
To the answer you convey
You've been all the way to broken
Lost your sense of where to go
Your love is still the answer
More than hate will ever know
It's not too late to be rescued
Not too late to let it go
Remember pain is just an anchor
You never had control of
You give us life and meaning
You give us hope, so
If I can be honest
How come I always break my promises to you
If I'm not afraid why am I so scared to move
I'm barely breathing
And if I can be honest
How come I always end up so far away from you
You made me a promise
And I'll always hold it true
I believe heaven is a place where
We'll walk the streets of gold
She's seen nothing but the concrete
Yeah the world has left her cold
She's been beaten, bruised, and broken
She's felt pain instead of love
Inside she was an angel
But she never knew she was
You've been all the way to broken
Lost your sense of where to go
Your love is still the answer
More than hate will ever know
It's not too late to be rescued
Not too late to let it go
Remember pain is just an anchor
You never had control of
You give us life and meaning
You give us hope, so
If I can be honest
How come I always break my promises to you
If I'm not afraid why am I so scared to move
I'm barely breathing
And if I can be honest
How come I always end up so far away from you
You made me a promise
And I'll always hold it true
(Always hold it true)
-from the TFK album "Exhale"Where our pain is washed away
With no room for all the torment
Of choices that we've made
I'm a broken man saved by grace
Tossed alone inside this maze
And I am just a question
To the answer you convey
You've been all the way to broken
Lost your sense of where to go
Your love is still the answer
More than hate will ever know
It's not too late to be rescued
Not too late to let it go
Remember pain is just an anchor
You never had control of
You give us life and meaning
You give us hope, so
If I can be honest
How come I always break my promises to you
If I'm not afraid why am I so scared to move
I'm barely breathing
And if I can be honest
How come I always end up so far away from you
You made me a promise
And I'll always hold it true
I believe heaven is a place where
We'll walk the streets of gold
She's seen nothing but the concrete
Yeah the world has left her cold
She's been beaten, bruised, and broken
She's felt pain instead of love
Inside she was an angel
But she never knew she was
You've been all the way to broken
Lost your sense of where to go
Your love is still the answer
More than hate will ever know
It's not too late to be rescued
Not too late to let it go
Remember pain is just an anchor
You never had control of
You give us life and meaning
You give us hope, so
If I can be honest
How come I always break my promises to you
If I'm not afraid why am I so scared to move
I'm barely breathing
And if I can be honest
How come I always end up so far away from you
You made me a promise
And I'll always hold it true
(Always hold it true)
P.S. -Updating this today in 2018,
I am once again healing from the brokenness of this world.
Thank God for doctors who can point us in the right direction and repair the mind as well as body.
The human body can only take so much stress before it breaks down.
I may not be free to tell other family stories, but I can share mine.
I was brought to the ER after dealing with yet another family tragedy, and trauma has a way of triggering the sleeping dragon inside.
No one even knew how long the dragon of despair has been stalking me,
and still I escaped his grip every time.
When they realized I have lived with the silent pain of anxiety,
headaches, depression, and suicide attempts from childhood,
it becomes a little more clear as to how I ended up being monitored by doctors for days,
and shared the pain of fellow troubled residents in the unit,
to begin the much needed path of healing the brokenness within.
It has been a lifelong road of pain and confusion, yet I have much to be thankful for.
There is no shame in the road I am on, only progress.
To begin to identify the pain and recognize the need is just a part of the healing process.
To finally let others into the silent burdens I have carried for so long, is to be able to share the load and live free.
Without the hand of God, and the love and understanding of family, I would not be here today.
The strength I have, only comes from above. For the countless times I tried to choose a darker route, there was always a deeper path embedded in light which has protected me this far.
The God who watches over me, for reasons unknown has seen fit to rescue me from myself once more.
As I am home again, among the love of family and safety of ongoing care, I will begin to heal perhaps more than I ever have in the past. I refuse to let the darkness win this battle that rages inside.
I will fight back with more reasons than ever before.
Coming back from all the way to broken is never easy and we can't do this alone.
I am barely breathing, but I am breathing.
I am wounded, but I am healing.
The path ahead is unknown, but I don't want to know.
I must learn to take care of myself, so that I can take care of those I love.
Yet, I can't do everything to keep them safe. That's not my job.
I just need to love them.
And BREATHE.
↝ Stories from the journey of my life ↜ written by: Sue Leerhoff ↝ follow me on my Facebook page ↜ - Brick by Brick
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