Do You Have a Survival Kit?

Where we live, it is necessary to pack a survival gear kit in the trunk of our vehicles before the winter storms hit. 

It is much better to have a coat, hat, gloves, food and 

flashlight batteries that never get used;

than the alternative of freezing in a blizzard,

stuck in the ditch and no one can get to you for hours. 

Planning ahead for the unexpected has been the way of life just because of who I am. 

Now that grief, and chronic pain, have become the norm I had to find different ways to cope. 

I have to plan ahead, just to plan ahead. 

During the first year of holidays without our son, 

the raw pain was so fresh,  we were all achingly empty, and mostly still numb. 

Nothing mattered at all. 

We didn't plan anything. 

We couldn't. 

We just kept busy. 

By the next season of required merriment, I was beside myself. 

What do we do? 

How can we celebrate anything ever again? 

I had read somewhere, it is better to have a plan, far ahead of time. 

I should have known that, but grief brain doesn't use previous knowledge. 

It has a mind of its own. 

Losing our son, (as anyone who has lost a close loved one knows) 

causes us to become someone entirely different from the previous person(s) we were. 

We are never the same again. 

3 years later and there are still pages of memory wiped out. 

The best memories are those that include our son.

After surviving the initial shock of the first year, we chose to keep a few  similar traditions, 

but it was a whole new way to get together, becoming instant near-empty nest parents.

Most families will be in confusion and at a loss for how to "do the holidays". 

This is definitely one of those times where Anything Goes. 

You do what you can, and even if you plan for something, you can always back out. 

It is very hard to predict the heart of grief. 

You may want to let your family (and friends) know that you might come over if invited, 

but tell them, not to feel bad if you don't. 

It's hard to explain to those who have not been there.

We will carry this, and must learn how to carry it, in such a way

that our love is never forgotten, it just looks a lot different now.

Anyone who understands, will tell you that it helps 

to have a "survival kit" - 

a plan of action ready before those hard days begin.

Having no plan, is a guarantee for a very bad time.

Trying to pretend it's all ok, will not help either.

A few helpful hints might include: 

*Perhaps you need an entirely different holiday.

Go somewhere, away from relatives and friends,

that isn't like your previous celebrations, if it hurts too much to be home.

*It's ok if you don't feel like making the same foods, order in a pizza, or go out to eat instead.

*Maybe it is comfortable to "do the holiday the same way", but just change a few things.

If you have small children, this will most likely be less stressful for all.

Ask them what they would like to do.

*Maybe you find that focusing on others takes your mind off the gaping hole in your lives.

There are many places that can use volunteers to serve a Thanksgiving meal 

to the elderly and less fortunate.

*If you have a Salvation Army nearby, they can always use bell ringers.

*If you have never had home-made gifts before, maybe this is a good time to show the family your hidden talents and create something out of love. Try it, you might start a new tradition.

*Collect books or blankets, and deliver them to your local police station, 

they always have need for a supply of goodies to hand out on their daily routines.

*"Adopt a family, or an elderly shut-in" who could use some extra help, and make them a meal, or surprise them with gifts on Christmas Eve.

*Make sure you have an exit plan, wherever you go.

If you feel like it is too hard, just excuse yourself.

Go for a walk alone.

Don't ride with others to an event, so you can leave when you need to.

*Breathe in, breathe out.

Follow a stress relief program, anxiety busters, watch a candle flame flicker and waver.

Take it easy. Take it slow.

This is not a contest or a "limited time only" way of life.

*You are a survivor, and you will find a way to get through these difficult days.

*Remember, you can always talk to God.

Cry, scream, pray, sing, howl, or just be silent.

It's ok. He knows your heart and He knows it is breaking.

His heart was breaking when He sent His Son as a babe in the manger.

He knew His Son was born to die.

His death put an end to the suffering of this world, the payment is made.

We are only waiting for the payment in full, when we see Him face to face.

While we wait, we must keep our eyes on Him, 

not look down at the swirling waters beneath our feet.

Everything we do, we do in honor of our loved ones,

and for the glory of God.

These are just a few ways to make the holidays something to remember 

instead of something to endure.

It won't be easy, by any means, but it will help you on the road to healing the open wounds.

Keep the lines of communication open with your family at home. 

Help each other to navigate this new territory of living in the land of loss, 

by making use of your survival kit.

I recommend looking for books to guide you through these times. 

I have used "Surviving the Holidays" from: Griefshare, 

and "Healing A Parent's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas", by: Alan D.Wolfelt, PH.D.

They have many great ways to help families, even with different ages of children, 

to plan for the hard days ahead. 

We wish you the best. You are not alone. 
(What are we doing this year? Hmm, I don't know yet. But I better figure it out soon.)

Sharing from the heart - Sue Leerhoff

Brick by Brick