Walking Stick or Cane?

In my fight against my own immune system, I have had to rethink so many priorities.

It wasn't very long ago, these type of questions weren't even in my vocabulary. I was feeling poorly for a couple years before I had any doctor appointments. I just chalked it all up to "this is how it feels to get old".

Except I got the accelerated version. The limited edition.

Like a video game, where if you earn these points you can get to the bonus round.
I have been racking up the points since birth and didn't even know it.

It just so happens, in all the years of medical emergencies and rounds of testing,(and frankly, just living) no one ever thought to look for leg discrepancy. No one ever connected the dots.

But all the wear and tear on a body trying to balance on an unbalanced core, equals pain. Lots and lots of pain.

So when my hands started aching, and rashes continued to rage, those were the missing dots that helped point to the right direction.

Just like in my grief journey, just because I have identified my pain, that's not going to make it disappear.

The question I wrestled with for some time was did I really have to use a cane?
-That's embarrassing. -I'm too young for that. -I don't really need a cane. -My new shoes will take care of the problem.

I am sure most people with my type of issues know that struggle very well.
  
Since, the very first flare I experienced was on vacation in the mountains and I used an umbrella, I finally decided I should probably get something, just in case I ever needed one. Not really thinking it was a great idea, but better be prepared.

I got a cane one day, nice, black, not too elderly looking. I jazzed it up with some pinstripes, and set it off in the corner. There. Got it. Ok. (...hope I never need that dumb thing, I muttered to myself)

 Until I did. Being arthritic does strange things to the body. Cramps from holding a glass, and you can't let go, but then it drops. (Oh well, one less dish to wash?) Stiffness from sitting too long and your knees give out. Weary of standing still and all your strength is just gone. Walk too far, or climb stairs, and it feels like you just jogged to Mt. Everest and back again.

The point is - I can't do it on my own most of the time. I have to have help.

I was just figuring a lot of these issues out, when we lost our son. So Nathanael never saw the mom with one tall shoe, the mom who now has many relief aids to function day to day. He only saw the confused in pain mom, the troubled mom. The Bible promises that even though we can't see the good right now, it will be revealed some day. For that I am thankful -

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."                 - 2 Corinthians 3:18

I could use my cane, to help steady my balance, but the angle of a cane hurts my wrists. I suffer more the next day, because of the temporary fix.

When I am troubled in my sorrow and all the other stuff of life, I could use a temporary fix to help me forget all my troubles. I have at times, I admit it. But the better choice is to let God take care of me, because I have never had a hangover, or scars, or rehab from trusting in His words, His love and His promises.  

The ground may be rocky, but I have a Friend who walks beside me and steadies my footsteps.  

So just look for me and my walking stick, following the path of Jesus. 

 Sue Leerhoff  Brick by Brick